I could write a thousand odes to this place, even though I hate it. The fullest definition of bittersweet I have ever found is here, where the mountains meet the plains and everyone gets stuck. Where days stretch into weeks into a lifetime of melancholy and renaissance painting sunsets.
I always write about loveland. I always think about loveland. I guess people always think about their hometowns. I marinate in mine. Today, I took engagement photos for two of my best friends. And being with them brought back the feeling of growing up here, which tastes something like cereal and insomnia and the smell of wet dirt. I don’t know what I’m feeling or what I’m trying to say. I guess it felt nice. To be here, again, fully. To feel here. I am always between places when I am here. And today, I felt really, truly here. I forget what it’s like to know people. The certainty of seeing them every day. Like, we would stay up and out so late always talking, even though we would see each other again tomorrow. I miss that. And now months, even years pass without even a quick text. How can we know people and forget to keep holding them? I hate drifting apart. I hate that we are holding on with our pinkies, with happy birthday texts and social media posts. I miss being so close to people that I could feel their pauses, that we could have entire conversations through what we didn’t say to each other. That’s what being in a really deep romantic relationship is like. And I wish we had all the time in the world to have those relationships with more people. To hold each other through our silences, to understand meaning when it escapes only through the eyes. I will always regret taking daily interactions for granted. There is no substitute for that kind of proximity. No amount of phone calls or texts can ever amount to the 1 minute walk from calc class to the parking lot when that walk was routine. Now it’s like, novels of lifetimes to catch up on and then we disappear back into our separate voids of space.
Anyway, this website is going to drop out of commission soon because I am unemployed and can’t pay for it. I’ll try to set a new thing up soon.