i dont have words anymore just overwhelming feelings !!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know how many times I’ve gotten caught up in the strange push and pull but I know it feels different. Maybe I’m older, maybe I am more real, either way every word or sentence that comes out of my mouth feels terrible and overspoken and so simple and ingenuine and awful and I am starting to feel like i feel more than i have the words to say, and i dont think i can be a writer anymore. Which is beside the point but, i dont know, life is so bizarre and chaotic and i’ve always felt and known that but it feels so much more now— like i cant even fathom trying to bottle myself into pages or explain anything that goes through my head and every time I think about sitting down and writing it feels a little counterproductive to stop experiencing just so I can try to convey. I almost always feel like I would rather be living than recalling and I think that’s new, or at least it has been a while since I felt that way.

so i’m not really sure what I’m doing here, other than waiting for my flight to board, waiting to be disturbed and resettled like sand being tossed near the shore, waiting to move and move again and fall asleep to wake up and wake up to sleep and do all the things i do, over and over again until i die, which used to feel really gross and pointless and sometimes still beats the shit out of me like the waves in cardiff but I’ll sleep and move and move again and next time my forearms will be stronger and every time I will be more than i was because there is no backwards momentum to being alive.

and isn’t that what i’ve been getting wrong this whole time? that there is no getting wrong; there is no losing muscle only gaining air, no losing people just gaining space because they are always here, always in the spaces between where i look and what i see and i don’t know, none of this makes sense when i read back on it but life is completely nonsensical and the only way i can fathom fathoming anything is without sense or rules or reasons. so here’s a small series of photos without context or understanding— here is the world turned inside out on a silver platter, & isn’t she so beautiful?