Well, I’ve been inside for almost three weeks now. It started out okay, being in Berkeley with everyone. Then the state started to shut down and everyone started going home. And then that was still okay, because I stayed in Irvine for awhile and that was really nice. And now I’m in Colorado, and I’m probably going back to Berkeley in a few days because being in my childhood house during the spring reminds me of every awful thing I’ve ever experienced and I don’t think I can be here.

I’ve been really angry recently, mostly because I know I’m going to basically be in Berkeley alone since no one else is coming back. I feel like college was finally everything I wanted it to be, and I sorta lost that to this strange dystopian chaos. Which is fine, because I’m really suffering very little in contrast to a lot of people. I lost my job, but I don’t really rely on it for much and so I can afford to be laid off, which is not a privilege most people have.

So really, my anger is misguided and everyone is really emotional right now so it’s not a great time for me to think everyone else is neglecting my mental health because the truth is we’re all suffering and I can’t rely on anyone else to hold me up. So this post isn’t really going to be poetic or profound or anything, just an update I guess because I haven’t written anything like a journal in a while.

I guess in general I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to come out of all of this. Like when this virus ends, if it does, what do I want out of my life? What matters to me and what do I need to feel alive? I’ve really been missing the person I’ve been seeing, and I don’t really know what our thing is but it makes me happy and it’s nice to love someone who actually cares about my wellbeing. I kinda just want to go back to falling asleep and waking up next to her because that was really… the best thing ever.

I think I’ve felt extra sad recently because I’ve been thinking about all the ways we’re different and our lives are moving in different directions and I’m bad at letting people go and even worse at not worrying about the future before it arrives so here I am, thinking about how I want to drive around the US aimlessly and record myself reading poetry in national parks and how she wants to go to med school and is very driven and dedicated and I literally give up on everything that doesn’t make me happy.

But like, it’s so good right now. Or it was, when we were living together. And I don’t know when I’m going to see her again which obviously fills me with so many negative and bad emotions but it’s something I need to accept and figure out how to deal with because this is the world right now, and I can’t rely on anyone else to be my backbone. So I’m trying. I’m going to figure out what I want and hopefully come out of this alive. It would suck if I crumbled just when I was starting to figure things out. Such is life though. And that’s that.