ginger

I just discovered ginger candies and they’re probably my favorite things ever.

I wish I had a better way to start writing but I honestly feel like there’s no blood left in my body and I’m having a hard time trying to say anything more than I want to which is that I am tired, and I keep wanting to collapse into someone. I want to give into gravity and let someone else hold me and put me back together and this is so funny and ironic considering my last post but I guess on really long days it is hard to keep myself together.

I feel all my bones pressing against my skin and sometimes biking home I don’t care if a car hits me. I don’t really know when I have class and I honestly feel like I am floating blissfully through 18 hour days as if I am already a ghost. I want people to stop telling me how I should act, who I should be, what I am and am not and where I fit in it’s so fucking exhausting and I honestly feel like there are maggots or cockroaches or something peeling all the skin off my body because I am beginning to no longer exist outside of the way other people see me and sometimes I look for my reflection in passing windows and expect not to find it.

I guess I’m tired. And my mind keeps returning to Friday night. To sitting on the back of a bicycle and feeling like I was flying. And maybe I was drunk and the yellow flower left in the hedge wilted in less than a day and maybe I can’t spend my saturday mornings making pancakes and making out but sometimes it’s nice to pretend like I can just exist without worrying if liking a boy delegitimizes my queerness, or if the fact that he’s white means I’m regressing to my middle school mindset of internalized racism. Because I am happy in those moments. Sneaking in and out back doors and pretending it means less than it does to me.

On really long days, where my google calendar is literally a rainbow of events that honestly don’t fucking matter and will suck the life out of me, I just want someone to rub my back and make me tea. Sometimes I just want to wear cute panties with chili peppers on them and be able to show someone without it having to mean anything. Which is kinda difficult when you literally agreed to partake in a non-romantic sexually intimate relationship, especially when the person you agree to not be emotionally attached to opens your car door and brings you succulents and is kinder than anyone you’ve ever dated— and not because they like you, or because of anything specific about the situation, but simply because that is just the kind of person they are.

So yeah, I’m alright. Trying not to lean where there is nothing. Trying not to be like a clematis; needing the support of something else to bloom.

At least I have ginger candy.