Call me a dumb bitch three times in ten minutes, drunk and high on the Sunday night before thanksgiving. It’s my favorite way to start off the week.
I like to hear the way he slurs the words, the way they pile out of his mouth like the thing he has always wanted to say while sober but that gosh-darn frontal lobe stops him every time. He could never call me a dumb bitch while he’s sober. No one would let him, someone might even look at him differently.
But that’s the mystique of a Drunk Boy. When the Drunk Boy calls me a dumb bitch, I am supposed to take it lightly. When the Drunk Boy tells me to shut up as I sit in silence, I am supposed to laugh along. The Drunk Boy would never be held accountable for his words. The Drunk Boy is not expected to be responsible for himself when he is Incapacitated.
The Drunk Girl is a different story. When the Drunk Girl shouts “dumb bitch,” she becomes Messy, Crazy, or Too Much. When the Drunk Girl is Incapacitated, she is expected to be responsible for herself. If someone happens to Assault her or Hurt her, it was her fault for being Incapacitated and not Taking Care of Herself.
Funny how that works.
He was looking me squarely in the eyes as he called me a dumb bitch. I find it frustrating that every time I have been called a dumb bitch in my life, the person doing the calling has never quite understood what it means. A Dumb Bitch does not assume responsibility for Assholes. A Dumb Bitch will argue with you, will hold her claim to thoughts that are as legitimate as anyone else’s. He may only call me a dumb bitch when he is Incapacitated, but in that simple phrase there is a Shit Load of Desperation. He is not used to people rejecting his Way of Thinking. As an Educated Progressive Male it is his job to dictate what the right Way of Thinking is. He does not appreciate someone telling him that maybe his Way of Thinking is flawed and maybe there are other Ways of Thinking that are more Educated and Progressive than his own.
As a Dumb Bitch I take it upon myself to unceasingly infuriate every Asshole by having my own Way of Thinking. I refuse to give up my Way of Thinking simply because he has a status quo advantage. His Way of Thinking preexists mine, simply because he is the Educated Progressive Male. Every time a Dumb Bitch enters a debate or even simply a conversation, she is at a disadvantage. Nothing in the life of a Dumb Bitch plays out on home court, and every day is a competition to prove that she is Worth Something. A Dumb Bitch must choose words and actions purposefully, so as to not upset the Assholes. Her opinion is always Valid but never quite Understood, and therefore she seems Aloof and Uneducated.
Only the Non-Assholes understand the eloquence and complex beauty of being a Dumb Bitch. They listen, and they watch, and they do not try to force their Way of Thinking on anyone. A Non-Asshole would not have called me a dumb bitch, drunk and high on the sunday night before thanksgiving. Being Incapacitated does not excuse the actions of the Asshole, being Incapacitated only removes the delusional facade of Educated and Progressive, leaving the truth behind.
You will not remember this tomorrow, but I will. The problem with words is that they’re really very easy to say, and really very hard to take back. And no, I will not live the rest of my life remembering this one night, it will probably not even significantly change the way I see you. The world is funny like that. For some reason, it is always my job to brush things off my shoulders. When things bother me, it is up to me to change the way I think about them, because no one else is going to change themselves for me.
Cognitive Dissonance Theory: when a person holds two conflicting attitudes, they will alter them to be harmonious. It is much easier to dismiss these moments. It is always easier to throw away bad memories in favor of good ones. So here I am, altering myself one more time in order to get through the night.